tabular_rasa | It Feels Like Christmas and College Stress

You are Not a Fighter. You don't really like
violence of any kind and have a gift for
keeping peace and order.

What kind of Warrior are You?
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Of course.

For some reason, today feels like Christmas.

Okay, no, I didn't get any real presents . . . but I guess it's because I'm in my pajamas, and it was dark outside, and we ate in the dining room, and for some reason this cold just reminds me of the cold I had when I was little and it was Christmas, and

I thought I might not be able to go to the family Christmas Eve gathering. I did end up, getting to go.

This year, we don't have a family Christmas Eve gathering. Either that, or we don't get to be here for it.

I so got gypped out of all of my holidays this year. It's very sad.
That's the thing . . . everything has been so constant up until now. Now, suddenly, it all just drops off. I have to go off and be me, be the rest of my life. I think I finally have a strong enough me . . . but sometimes I worry: What if Amy is just a consummation of her environment, and without it she just fades into thin air?

I cling way too much to the past.

I really shouldn't be writing all these journal entries. I should be doing stuff for college. I should be doing things that are important for the future. Yet I do this for now, or for next week, or for the perpetuation of the past. I don't move on.

Plus I'm sick and I'm too numb and incoherent to do anything else, anyway.

I don't know what I am going to do for my NHS project for 30 hours. 30 hours! Plus, I have to call someone to set it up. All I can think of are things that were used as examples, such as helping out at the humane shelter or the retirement home. Yet everyone will do that, and take it, and I won't have anything. Also, I have little time, yet. Also, I don't know what I want to do. I don't know that I would like working at the humane shelter all that much. Working at the retirement home would be fine, but what would I be doing? Would I be reading to people, or scrubbing bedpans? There's a big difference. I know I'm being picky and this is supposed to be service, darn it, but if I don't like it, I'm not going to be happy doing 30 hours of it and I know I'll slack off and cut corners and fail at it.

I am really, really negative today. It is such a foil from yesterday.