Writer's Block: Check, please!
Nov. 15th, 2011 12:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tabular_rasa[Error: unknown template qotd]
I think "whoever asked the other person out" is a pretty good rule of thumb, since it not only accounts for changing gender roles but covers same-sex couples as well. If you suggested the outing and made the arrangements, it makes sense you foot the bill. It also conveniently prevents a lot of awkwardness in the form of disappointed expectations; for example, there are some women who are offended by the very suggestion that the man should ever not pay for the date, but these women probably would never make the first move and ask the man out first, either, so they'll never be in that position.
I'm not opposed to splitting the bill, either, but I think in date situations it's more romantic if one person treats the other person entirely, regardless of that person's gender or income.* However, even when being treated I do make a point of offering to pay my part for the evening-- and I'm fully prepared to do so, and won't be offended if he takes me up on it-- but if he turns me down once, I don't insist again and just offer my gracious thanks for the outing. And that's the gesture I would expect if I were paying for a man on a first date, too-- offering to pay as a sign of respect for what went into the date, but ultimately deferring to the fact I invited you and am fully capable of footing the bill.
Of course, there are all kinds of complications and exceptions, and you really have to read it on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes a date involves multiple events (like dinner + movie) and it works out nicely that each person pays for a different part. Sometimes a first date is ambiguous, and splitting the check is the best way to address the ambiguity. Sometimes there's just practical factors like the two meet up for coffee and since the guy got there first, already ordered, and is trying to hold the table, the girl is on her own to get her drink. (That was my first date with Robert!). I think most of all, both parties should be flexible and polite, and not read too much into whatever happens. Presumably you've learned more about the person on the date than just how they handle the check!
I think "whoever asked the other person out" is a pretty good rule of thumb, since it not only accounts for changing gender roles but covers same-sex couples as well. If you suggested the outing and made the arrangements, it makes sense you foot the bill. It also conveniently prevents a lot of awkwardness in the form of disappointed expectations; for example, there are some women who are offended by the very suggestion that the man should ever not pay for the date, but these women probably would never make the first move and ask the man out first, either, so they'll never be in that position.
I'm not opposed to splitting the bill, either, but I think in date situations it's more romantic if one person treats the other person entirely, regardless of that person's gender or income.* However, even when being treated I do make a point of offering to pay my part for the evening-- and I'm fully prepared to do so, and won't be offended if he takes me up on it-- but if he turns me down once, I don't insist again and just offer my gracious thanks for the outing. And that's the gesture I would expect if I were paying for a man on a first date, too-- offering to pay as a sign of respect for what went into the date, but ultimately deferring to the fact I invited you and am fully capable of footing the bill.
*I've seen a lot of people responding to this question with: "whoever has the largest income," but that seems golddiggery to me-- like, you could just go around asking random rich people out on ostentatious dates and then they're supposed to pay for both of you? Plus why should a person be denied the opportunity to treat someone just because their partner has a higher income? Paying for someone's outing-- even if the only costs accrued are an ice cream at the park-- is a symbolic gesture, and honestly I think I'd be more offended than relieved if I planned a date in my budget and was ready to pay but was refused because of the disparity in our incomes!
Of course, there are all kinds of complications and exceptions, and you really have to read it on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes a date involves multiple events (like dinner + movie) and it works out nicely that each person pays for a different part. Sometimes a first date is ambiguous, and splitting the check is the best way to address the ambiguity. Sometimes there's just practical factors like the two meet up for coffee and since the guy got there first, already ordered, and is trying to hold the table, the girl is on her own to get her drink. (That was my first date with Robert!). I think most of all, both parties should be flexible and polite, and not read too much into whatever happens. Presumably you've learned more about the person on the date than just how they handle the check!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Paying
Date: 2011-11-16 03:19 am (UTC)My first date with Daniel had several different activities. Our first was meeting at the zoo. I had already looked up how much it cost and wrote out a check ahead of time so I could pay quickly without the awkward squabble over money. Dan thought I was rather clever. :) Dan bought lunch, but he promised me a snow cone, which we could not find. I honestly can't remember who paid for dinner, but it was only at a Pita place anyway.
Later that week, Dan bought a snow cone maker so he could deliver on his promise. ;)