Silver Sucks
Feb. 5th, 2005 03:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tabular_rasaCrying cat works.
Song works, too . . . I even heard it coming home. Okay, so maybe it really doesn't . . . but oh well . . . I like "Numb" . . . and it's in there . . .
So I went and played my ensemble. No one came, save Mr. Briddell. We got a Gold. Liz was pissed-off and in a generally bad mood; she said she didn't deserve her Gold for her solo. That sort of put a damper on the good part of my day; she didn't seem to care about our win at all.
Jessica and Tiffany finally showed up. I poked Jessica when she got there-- she looked right past me at the cello guy with the long hair and goes "*Gasp* He's got the Sirius hair! The cello player!" *Shakes head* Jessica, lol . . .
So then I went and watched Jessica's quartet with Tiffany; they did well, Gold, etc . . . Then we sat around and ate for a while; Mr. Bowers gave me some random pretzels he wasn't going to eat, and Mrs. Lent had a cookie she shared with us, and I got some weird baked barbecue chips. They were barbecue, so they were good, but they were weird . . .
Then I went and played my solo. Everyone came and watched: Tiffany, my mom (who I TOLD to come and watch my ensemble and she didn't), Mr. Briddell, my violin teacher, my old violin teacher, and even Tory through the window (and Jessica would have come, I think, if she hadn't have had something two minutes later). I messed up; I totally died on one section and kept messing up in little places all over. It was because I was nervous. I've played it so much better at so many other times . . . it's just that my hands seize up and then go floppy, and my vibrato gets huge and loopy and I just SHAKE . . .
Why couldn't they have gone to the ensemble, which was actually good?
Yet everyone was so nice about it. They said it was awesome, all of them, Mom, Tory, Mr. Briddell, my accompaniest, Tiffany, even my violin teacher who made me cry when she told me it was terrible last week. I guess I should have been suspicious; when people tell you you did awesome you should assume that you sucked. They're all liars. It sucked and they knew it.
My only consolation was that the girl in front of me, who played the same thing (her name was LeCount, lol . . . ), got a Silver, too. I wonder what Sarah got.
There were seriously like 6 people, in my room alone, that played the same song, and that's not even including Becky (Liz's sister).
So when I got the Silver, everyone was all comforting . . . it just made it worse. Tiffany tried to hug me when I went to pack up and I told her not to, because I knew it would be bad, but my accompaniest came up and hugged me and said that I had done awesome and I was just a perfectionist, and she's such a nice, sweet little lady that it just made me cry, completely . . . and then Tiffany went to get me some fudge, which was really, really nice of her . . . but made me feel sort of weak and pathetic.
Oh, well, I'm pathetic all the time anyway.
While I was waiting, I talked to Sarah and wished her good luck. I hope she does well, and I hope I'm not bitter about it tonight. That would be just utterly shitty on her 18th birthday-- and I don't want her to get a Silver, too, because it's her birthday, she probably worked harder on her piece than me, she needs it for an actual college audition, and that's just a shitty thing to wish, to wish that someone does worse than you.
I also talked to Mr. Hatfield who tried to make me feel better by saying that he didn't go to State when he was in high school, either. Then Tiffany came back with the fudge, and I gave him a piece because he really, really wanted some, and because it could totally work to my advantage one of these days.
The fudge then made me cry. It was really good; it was peanut butter fudge.
I am so unbelievably pathetic. I don't WANT all this attention when I'm upset. It just makes me cry, which makes people comfort me more . . . and then they all think I'm this big drama queen. I didn't ASK them to comfort me.
(That would be directed towards those that don't usually comfort me . . . those of you who do it without reserves, because you actually care and don't just feel obligated, I like you people . . . and that's not a request to leave me alone, or anything, lol . . . and I can tell when people actually do it because they mean it . . . )
I like that everyone has compassion . . . I just hate crying so much in public places. You'd think I'd have figured out how to stop it by now . . . but no. I don't even know how to make the tear stains go away. Cold water makes you blotchy; hot water makes you bright red.
So then-- after I recovered-- I talked to a couple people, they all asked me how I did, some people thought a Silver was good, some knew it wasn't . . .
I want to demand that Mr. Briddell not release my scores to the announcements. People don't get that no one WANTS a Silver up there on the scrolling bar for everyone to see. I understand that half the world doesn't even know that a Silver is crappy, but still . . . those that do . . . I don't want it up there . . .
So then I tried to go to Tory's solo, but I lost Mom and Tory, and I never actually found them (I hope they realized that I left). I almost went in and watched Seth's solo; I was waiting with Robert and Alice but then I had to go use the bathroom, and, well, then I just left, because it was too late.
I don't have anything to give to Sarah for tonight. Maybe I'll go out and get her a card and some candy or something random. I feel like I should bring something, but not something huge, in case she's not expecting it, and since I don't really know what's going on.
Tiffany's hand massages feel good.
Song works, too . . . I even heard it coming home. Okay, so maybe it really doesn't . . . but oh well . . . I like "Numb" . . . and it's in there . . .
So I went and played my ensemble. No one came, save Mr. Briddell. We got a Gold. Liz was pissed-off and in a generally bad mood; she said she didn't deserve her Gold for her solo. That sort of put a damper on the good part of my day; she didn't seem to care about our win at all.
Jessica and Tiffany finally showed up. I poked Jessica when she got there-- she looked right past me at the cello guy with the long hair and goes "*Gasp* He's got the Sirius hair! The cello player!" *Shakes head* Jessica, lol . . .
So then I went and watched Jessica's quartet with Tiffany; they did well, Gold, etc . . . Then we sat around and ate for a while; Mr. Bowers gave me some random pretzels he wasn't going to eat, and Mrs. Lent had a cookie she shared with us, and I got some weird baked barbecue chips. They were barbecue, so they were good, but they were weird . . .
Then I went and played my solo. Everyone came and watched: Tiffany, my mom (who I TOLD to come and watch my ensemble and she didn't), Mr. Briddell, my violin teacher, my old violin teacher, and even Tory through the window (and Jessica would have come, I think, if she hadn't have had something two minutes later). I messed up; I totally died on one section and kept messing up in little places all over. It was because I was nervous. I've played it so much better at so many other times . . . it's just that my hands seize up and then go floppy, and my vibrato gets huge and loopy and I just SHAKE . . .
Why couldn't they have gone to the ensemble, which was actually good?
Yet everyone was so nice about it. They said it was awesome, all of them, Mom, Tory, Mr. Briddell, my accompaniest, Tiffany, even my violin teacher who made me cry when she told me it was terrible last week. I guess I should have been suspicious; when people tell you you did awesome you should assume that you sucked. They're all liars. It sucked and they knew it.
My only consolation was that the girl in front of me, who played the same thing (her name was LeCount, lol . . . ), got a Silver, too. I wonder what Sarah got.
There were seriously like 6 people, in my room alone, that played the same song, and that's not even including Becky (Liz's sister).
So when I got the Silver, everyone was all comforting . . . it just made it worse. Tiffany tried to hug me when I went to pack up and I told her not to, because I knew it would be bad, but my accompaniest came up and hugged me and said that I had done awesome and I was just a perfectionist, and she's such a nice, sweet little lady that it just made me cry, completely . . . and then Tiffany went to get me some fudge, which was really, really nice of her . . . but made me feel sort of weak and pathetic.
Oh, well, I'm pathetic all the time anyway.
While I was waiting, I talked to Sarah and wished her good luck. I hope she does well, and I hope I'm not bitter about it tonight. That would be just utterly shitty on her 18th birthday-- and I don't want her to get a Silver, too, because it's her birthday, she probably worked harder on her piece than me, she needs it for an actual college audition, and that's just a shitty thing to wish, to wish that someone does worse than you.
I also talked to Mr. Hatfield who tried to make me feel better by saying that he didn't go to State when he was in high school, either. Then Tiffany came back with the fudge, and I gave him a piece because he really, really wanted some, and because it could totally work to my advantage one of these days.
The fudge then made me cry. It was really good; it was peanut butter fudge.
I am so unbelievably pathetic. I don't WANT all this attention when I'm upset. It just makes me cry, which makes people comfort me more . . . and then they all think I'm this big drama queen. I didn't ASK them to comfort me.
(That would be directed towards those that don't usually comfort me . . . those of you who do it without reserves, because you actually care and don't just feel obligated, I like you people . . . and that's not a request to leave me alone, or anything, lol . . . and I can tell when people actually do it because they mean it . . . )
I like that everyone has compassion . . . I just hate crying so much in public places. You'd think I'd have figured out how to stop it by now . . . but no. I don't even know how to make the tear stains go away. Cold water makes you blotchy; hot water makes you bright red.
So then-- after I recovered-- I talked to a couple people, they all asked me how I did, some people thought a Silver was good, some knew it wasn't . . .
I want to demand that Mr. Briddell not release my scores to the announcements. People don't get that no one WANTS a Silver up there on the scrolling bar for everyone to see. I understand that half the world doesn't even know that a Silver is crappy, but still . . . those that do . . . I don't want it up there . . .
So then I tried to go to Tory's solo, but I lost Mom and Tory, and I never actually found them (I hope they realized that I left). I almost went in and watched Seth's solo; I was waiting with Robert and Alice but then I had to go use the bathroom, and, well, then I just left, because it was too late.
I don't have anything to give to Sarah for tonight. Maybe I'll go out and get her a card and some candy or something random. I feel like I should bring something, but not something huge, in case she's not expecting it, and since I don't really know what's going on.
Tiffany's hand massages feel good.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-02-05 04:30 pm (UTC)--liz
no subject
Date: 2005-02-05 05:53 pm (UTC)I already told you this story, but I'll tell you again... first hand, from a fellow perfectionist...
so that solo I played last year? yeah. I played it a million other times at some competitions and stuff, and Ted Seltman had numbered his measures exactly like I did, and so did kids at school. I just happened to be the one person who pushed me over the edge. I wasn't planning on doing it memorized, but she was like "do you have this memorized?" and I was like... "yeah!" so I played it. It was the best I had ever played it. and she calls me up to her afterward and i was feeling so good and she just stared at me and was like "well, first of all, you messed up with your measures" and she started lecturing me on all this bloody nonsence about how other people had done it and she was tired of it so she goes "So you are automatically deducted into second." and she made a great show of circling the box thing. I about hit her in her smug old face. was it mrs keesler?... i don't know. Umbridge, I call her now...
I walked out of there and Chris, my accompanyist, and his family and my parents were there and I just shoved them the paper and walked down the hallway, trying to focus on all those interesting bulletin boards in the hallway... but it wasn't working. Chris was just like "woah..." and he kinda left. then my parents came up to me and I was like sniffling like woah and WICKED angry with myself. i wanted to hurt myself, man... but, being the stupid person I am, I kept it in... I'm one for bottling up my emotions...
so then later that night I was verbally abusing myself and I cried for like, an hour...
so, i feel your pain, amy. I threw away my silver medal... well, it's probably somewhere in my room, but i don't care if I ever see it agian...
^_^
the fudge was good, I concurr... *hands you E-CHOCOLATE!*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-05 07:30 pm (UTC)Aww, that would be sad if it was Mrs. Keeslar . . . I liked her, the few times she's come in and taught for us in random periods of our orchestra class . . . but that does seem like something she would do *sigh* . . .
I can't tell which is worse: a simple mistake based on a retarded rule on an otherwise good solo, or a solo that just sucked because you were too nervous. Either way, you don't really deserve . . . but everyone else says you does.
Do . . .
I don't know; I can't type today, lol . . .
Either way, we both got screwed on our last ISSMA solos ever. *Hugs*
I don't think my mom even picked up my silver medal. She took the card, and I told her to go get it. I don't think she bothered to.
I mean, come on now, silver would lethal to Remus Lupin . . . he can't win second place, lol . . .
Not that it's even real silver, lol . . . the cheapo colored stuff . . .
It's a good thing you didn't hurt yourself over it, and that you were "stupid" and just held it in . . . hurting yourself over it is a bad idea, lol . . .
. . . but I totally do the verbal abuse thing, too. I even heard "Perfect" by Simple Plan on the radio, which really isn't relevant, but I remember getting in the car and thinking it would be ironic if I heard it, especially since I haven't even heard it in a couple months or so or something, and then it was on later today when I was driving over to Sarah's, and then I also heard that "Encore" song with "Numb" in the background . . . so that was just great . . .
LOL I spent the fifteen minutes after it staring at a bulletin board, too, lol!!! It was a bunch of Economics projects, like Tiffany had to have done . . . only hers wasn't up there, lol . . .
I guess I have to trade State for one silver. Is it worth it? I don't know if I can even go to State . . .
no subject
Date: 2005-02-05 08:06 pm (UTC)yeah, it sucks.
lindsey
no subject
Date: 2005-02-06 07:11 am (UTC)*Goes into angstful mode* Life is so ironic . . .
no subject
Date: 2005-02-06 02:53 pm (UTC)*hugs*
it's all good...
if you really want you could have my silver medal... if I can find it... lol.
^_^
life is dumb... sometimes... most of the time... but not ALL of the time...
no subject
Date: 2005-02-06 03:08 pm (UTC)I like minor-keyed stuff ^_^
You didn't happen to see my YHO folder, did you? I can't find it . . . and that had my house plans for the family inside it!