Writer's Block: Love is timeless
Aug. 31st, 2010 10:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Well, my hard-and-fast rule is that the younger partner should always be at least half the older partner's age plus seven years. For instance, an 18-year-old shouldn't date much younger than 16 or older than 22 (I mean, shoot, when you're 18, if you sleep with them a partner younger than 16 is illegal anyway! and 22 keeps your older partners squarely within college age boundaries), but a 40-year-old would be safe with a partner as young as 27 or as old as 66, which accounts for the less dramatic sense of perceived age difference as we grow older.
On top of that, I usually have more faith in older couples with substantial age differences. Even though there is less of a gap between a 19-year-old and a 25-year-old than a 45-year-old and a 55-year-old, the differences in life situations between the partners of the older couple are substantially less than those of the younger couple. Both partners of the middle-aged couple are likely working full-time, probably in well-established careers, and both are likely to have savings, credit, and tangible assets such as a home and a car. Considering the proclivity towards marriage in our society, it's likely both members of the older couple have been married before and therefore share similar experience and expectations for the relationship. On the other hand, the 19-year-old is probably not financially independent, and even if s/he is s/he won't have much in the way of savings and credit. The 25-year-old may have established a financial footing but it is likely fairly shaky-- certainly not enough to support a 19-year-old who would basically be a dependent. The 19-year-old is likely still getting an undergraduate education while the 25-year-old may have already completed a higher degree. The 25-year-old may have already had a first marriage and/or children, while there's a 30% chance the 19-year-old hasn't even had sex yet. And, fuck, the 19-year-old can't even legally drink! Long-term relationship plans notwithstanding, the sheer act of dating would be more awkward with the younger couple.
Most importantly, the 45-year-old and 55-year-old have had at least two decades more to figure out who they are and what they want from life. Even if the 19-year-old and 25-year-old on are on the same page regarding education, finance, and marital history, it doesn't change the fact that the 25-year-old has lived 25% longer.
And unfortunately I've found that partners with extreme age differences are often pursuing the relationship for the wrong reasons. Younger partners may be seeking a surrogate father/mother figure, someone they can be dependent on, someone who can guide them through life. They may claim that only an older partner is "mature enough" for them, but I've noticed this is typically an ironic statement; usually those who say this are actually looking for the maturity they lack in the older partner. It's also ironic because older partners often choose younger partners to reclaim a sense of their lost youth. They may be dating a younger partner because they want to feel young and fun by feeling desired by the young and fun. They may have a bit of a Peter Pan complex, feeling in denial that they themselves are no longer their partner's age.
However, I've still seen plenty of examples of functional May-December romances. It ultimately it comes down to the individual maturity and compatibility between partners of a given couple. Maturity is not always quantified by age; some 19-year-olds are more mature and better suited for 25-year-olds than some actual 25-year-olds. If two mature people meet, fall in love, and perpetuate a communicative relationship with similar expectations and goals, it doesn't matter what their ages are. I'll admit in seeing a couple with a big age difference I'm suspicious at first, but once it's shown the two are mature individuals in a mature relationship, I've got absolutely no qualms about their being together.
Well, my hard-and-fast rule is that the younger partner should always be at least half the older partner's age plus seven years. For instance, an 18-year-old shouldn't date much younger than 16 or older than 22 (I mean, shoot, when you're 18, if you sleep with them a partner younger than 16 is illegal anyway! and 22 keeps your older partners squarely within college age boundaries), but a 40-year-old would be safe with a partner as young as 27 or as old as 66, which accounts for the less dramatic sense of perceived age difference as we grow older.
On top of that, I usually have more faith in older couples with substantial age differences. Even though there is less of a gap between a 19-year-old and a 25-year-old than a 45-year-old and a 55-year-old, the differences in life situations between the partners of the older couple are substantially less than those of the younger couple. Both partners of the middle-aged couple are likely working full-time, probably in well-established careers, and both are likely to have savings, credit, and tangible assets such as a home and a car. Considering the proclivity towards marriage in our society, it's likely both members of the older couple have been married before and therefore share similar experience and expectations for the relationship. On the other hand, the 19-year-old is probably not financially independent, and even if s/he is s/he won't have much in the way of savings and credit. The 25-year-old may have established a financial footing but it is likely fairly shaky-- certainly not enough to support a 19-year-old who would basically be a dependent. The 19-year-old is likely still getting an undergraduate education while the 25-year-old may have already completed a higher degree. The 25-year-old may have already had a first marriage and/or children, while there's a 30% chance the 19-year-old hasn't even had sex yet. And, fuck, the 19-year-old can't even legally drink! Long-term relationship plans notwithstanding, the sheer act of dating would be more awkward with the younger couple.
Most importantly, the 45-year-old and 55-year-old have had at least two decades more to figure out who they are and what they want from life. Even if the 19-year-old and 25-year-old on are on the same page regarding education, finance, and marital history, it doesn't change the fact that the 25-year-old has lived 25% longer.
And unfortunately I've found that partners with extreme age differences are often pursuing the relationship for the wrong reasons. Younger partners may be seeking a surrogate father/mother figure, someone they can be dependent on, someone who can guide them through life. They may claim that only an older partner is "mature enough" for them, but I've noticed this is typically an ironic statement; usually those who say this are actually looking for the maturity they lack in the older partner. It's also ironic because older partners often choose younger partners to reclaim a sense of their lost youth. They may be dating a younger partner because they want to feel young and fun by feeling desired by the young and fun. They may have a bit of a Peter Pan complex, feeling in denial that they themselves are no longer their partner's age.
However, I've still seen plenty of examples of functional May-December romances. It ultimately it comes down to the individual maturity and compatibility between partners of a given couple. Maturity is not always quantified by age; some 19-year-olds are more mature and better suited for 25-year-olds than some actual 25-year-olds. If two mature people meet, fall in love, and perpetuate a communicative relationship with similar expectations and goals, it doesn't matter what their ages are. I'll admit in seeing a couple with a big age difference I'm suspicious at first, but once it's shown the two are mature individuals in a mature relationship, I've got absolutely no qualms about their being together.
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Date: 2010-08-31 01:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-31 03:17 pm (UTC)When I hear of large age gaps, my first instinct is to balk at difference, and then I remember my grandparents. My grandpa married my stepgrandma when she was 29 and he was 55 (which does fall outside your half + seven). They were married two days before I was born, so I obviously wasn't around for it, but I have heard that there was much controversy.
My grandfather, at the time, was a wealthy man. Although I am not sure how much he was worth, I know at the time he owned a medical supply and research company which he later sold for millions. My stepgrandmother was a young, divorced woman with two kids and people said she had golddigger written all over her.
Due to some poor investments and a failed restaurant attempt, my grandfather ended up losing money and filing for bankruptcy. My grandpa and stepgrandma have gone through some pretty tough times and their marriage has stayed steady and strong.
Now they own and run their own business. They live and work together and are pretty inseparable. My stepgrandma once confessed to me that sometimes it feels like the romance has gone from their marriage, but that her husband is her best friend and she's happy to spend so much time with her best friend. :)
So while I still tend to think large age gaps are not the best of ideas, I give people the benefit of the doubt since my grandparents have done so well for almost 28 years now.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-31 03:39 pm (UTC)Now, I'm 24 and he's 32 - we've been married for nearly five years. I think there's perhaps something in the fact that I needed stability, but I don't think Paul's age greatly affected my choice. Now our lives are (relatively) stable, I'm just as crazy about him and we've grown up together in a fairly unshakable way. I've always been more of the adult in the relationship, and I still am: I pay the bills, organise things, basically play the role of the elder individual.
To be honest, I did wonder when we got engaged if it would last. I think these things can go either way; the age gap becomes something you don't even think about, or you grow together and it cements you all the more. Because you have to justify being together occasionally, it can bring you closer. As we have the same mutual goals - such as something key, like not wanting children - then mostly, the age gap is never really thought about anymore.