tabular_rasa | Laugh With Me, Cry With Me, and Get Utterly Confused With Me

I haven't updated in several days. So . . . here's the (somewhat) brief overview:

THE GOOD

So, SO MANY COMBINED CONCERTS!!! These are fun. I played with all the usual Central people, plus Kristina sang in one choir and Tiffany and Jamie in another.

Then, at YHO, it was YHO people (like Tiffany and Alice and Lindsey and Amanda and Tory), and then Jessica in the ECSO. By fudging it a little, I managed to sit next to her. We kept talking to each other during the thing, and making faces at Tiffany, who looks positively pissed-off when she plays, lol . . .

Also, I cheat. Jessica kept noticing. Well, you know what? It's an octava. If they want me to play it there, they can WRITE it up there, because I don't want to have to work that out in my head, thank you very much.

I followed along in Marche Slave pretty well, I think. Also, I know Toccata and Fugue pretty well now, even though he plays it DARN FAST!!!

Jessica's A-string popped and I had to give her one of my old ones. I recommend that she replace it soon; it's already at least a year old and it probably doesn't sound very good . . . but at least it's not fraying and about ready to pop off and hit her in the eye.

I think Tiffany, Tory, and I scared Kari Huang on the way home (I drove her back from the rehearsal). Then again . . . I think Kari is just generally skeptical of all of us. So no real harm done . . . but no remedy, either.

The Faure concert was fine, I guess. The choir sounded better than the orchestra (but it didn't help that I was one of only four playing almost all of Agnus Dei, that crazy accidental-strewn piece). Yea choir! I'm sorry I missed solos, guys )-: There wasn't room for me to watch.

THE BAD

There was TOO MUCH TO DO THIS WEEK. I think it's mean that ALL the orchestras got together and HAD SOMETHING the WEEK before Solo and Ensemble. I got to practice ONCE this week. ONCE. That was because I had:

Mon: Musical and Faure Rehearsal
Tues: Musical and Mom's Gourmet Dinner (which I couldn't practice during; I had to do one brief run before)
Weds: Musical and YHO/ECSO Rehearsal
Thurs: Musical and Faure Concert
Fri: Debate Meet

So I show up at the lesson today at 3:30. She tells me to play it through. It sucks. It sucks freaking ass. I think it was because I stressed out and knew that I couldn't play it, so I played it faster than usual and much more frantically.

So then she's like, "Um . . . wow . . . that needs work." I said, "Yeah, it sucks." Which I said because I ALWAYS say that. It's being modest, first of all, and second of all, I can't say it sounds nice or else I will fail at Contest.

So then she told me that if she were me, she wouldn't go, and I started crying.

Yes, crying.

Okay, I skipped out on Contest once, but I had appendicitis (I thought it was stomach flu then; this was back about a month before it popped in eighth grade)-- though Mom still to this day says that I should have gone anyway.

Yet this is my LAST Contest. I want to go! I've also worked harder on this solo than any other solo piece I've ever worked on.

. . . and it sounds the crappiest.

How shitty is that?

I think she meant to say that I shouldn't go if I'm not confident, and if SHE were me, she wouldn't go, because she wouldn't feel confident enough, but, damn, how's that to make someone feel confident by telling them they're not even recommended to go to Contest anymore.

I think I scared her to death that I was crying. She's not really the compassionate, sensitive type; she's more rational. So then she started trying to make me feel better by telling me that it was too bad, all this pressure "they" (the powers that be, lol . . . ) put on my generation to do EVERYTHING. It's true . . .

. . . but it didn't really make me feel much better.

THE UTTERLY CONFUSING

So I went off to Debate feeling utterly inadequate. I figured I would lose desperately; the world had no faith in me. I really get myself depressed when I get myself depressed.

(SO: Don't shunt down my self-esteem, please!)

I went into my first Debate doing the worst of the two sides: Democracy is NOT best served by separation of Church and State. The kid was good. He was all organized, and attacked my case. I thought for sure he beat me. He beat the pants off of me.

So I go to my next Debate. This was a little closer, and I think I won.

I come back out, and the results from the first Debate are posted. I won.

I FREAKING WON.

I thought he beat me. I thought there was no doubt.

Maybe God is trying to tell me, through my depression, that is worth still going on to Contest . . . or, at any rate, that I'm not a total and utter failure, and He still loves me (and Mr. Bernstein, too, apparently, since I go on to the next round and he gets to wear his new suit tomorrow, lol . . . ).

Thanks God . . . or you Debate judges . . . or whoever you are . . . That was very nice of you ^_^

At any rate, I have to be up in time to be at Debate (at Concord) at 7:45 tomorrow. I made it through the first round (as long as I won one, I was home free). I just keep going until I get beaten twice out of two. This will probably not take long, but still . . .

I then have to practice my solo with my accompaniest (I have one, and I had to call no one! Bwahaha! How awesome am I? Though I still did use the phone twice . . . so I guess that cancels that out and makes up for it . . . ) tomorrow sometime, and I want to go up and skate, and then tomorrow I have YHO from 1:30-4:00, and then after that I have to meet with my accompaniest afterward.

I'll just play my solo really slowly. If it sucks, what the hell. It's my last year, and the judges can just listen to me . . .

. . . and who knows . . . maybe I'll actually do okay . . .

. . . but probably not.