tabular_rasa (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tabular_rasa) wrote2010-01-14 07:47 pm
tabular_rasa) wrote2010-01-14 07:47 pm
Entry tags:
Writer's Block: Friend in need, friend indeed
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Not really, which is probably why I've been in a fair amount of friendships that have gone foul. I've got no standards. I used to pride myself on being able to get along with just about anyone, but just because you can get along with someone doesn't necessarily mean they're worth investing in as a best friend. In time the cream always rises to the top, but it would be nice if I could learn to be pickier and skip the heartache of becoming too attached to people who will ultimately disappoint me.
Things I probably should look for are:
-Reciprocity. They should be as excited and interested in me as I am excited and interested in them and initiate contact with me at least as much as I initiate contact with them.
-Respect. They should give me a genuine compliment and/or laugh appreciatively at my jokes at least as often as they tease me. Harmless teasing is harmless in moderation, but nothing but teasing-- no matter what the intention-- is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship. I shouldn't feel like they pity or condescend to me.
-Validation. They need to accept me and everything that goes along with me without desiring to change any of it: my values, my beliefs, my political opinions, my sense of humor, my idiosyncrasies, etc. Maybe this makes me sound like a narrow-minded ass who never wants to make a positive change, but if I make changes they should be because I want them, not because my friends demand them or make me feel guilty for failing to. In my opinion, it's a friend's role to be supportive of the changes I want to make but always leave the decision to change up to me. They can offer honest advice and perspective, and occasionally argue with me if I'm being absolutely crazy-- they certainly don't have to agree with me on everything, after all-- but they must ultimately accept my right to be and think who I am. This is particularly relevant when it comes to my emotions. When it comes to a truly good friend, I need someone who accepts my emotions as legitimate and real, whatever they are or happened to be provoked by. Some of my very best friends don't always understand why I feel the way I do, but they are willing to accept that it's not changing and we have to work from there. There are in fact many people who try to tell me how to feel, and what I really need from a good friend is to not be one of them.
Not that I can't be civil to people who don't supply me with these things, but I think without them I would always have to keep them at an arm's length emotionally.
Not really, which is probably why I've been in a fair amount of friendships that have gone foul. I've got no standards. I used to pride myself on being able to get along with just about anyone, but just because you can get along with someone doesn't necessarily mean they're worth investing in as a best friend. In time the cream always rises to the top, but it would be nice if I could learn to be pickier and skip the heartache of becoming too attached to people who will ultimately disappoint me.
Things I probably should look for are:
-Reciprocity. They should be as excited and interested in me as I am excited and interested in them and initiate contact with me at least as much as I initiate contact with them.
-Respect. They should give me a genuine compliment and/or laugh appreciatively at my jokes at least as often as they tease me. Harmless teasing is harmless in moderation, but nothing but teasing-- no matter what the intention-- is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship. I shouldn't feel like they pity or condescend to me.
-Validation. They need to accept me and everything that goes along with me without desiring to change any of it: my values, my beliefs, my political opinions, my sense of humor, my idiosyncrasies, etc. Maybe this makes me sound like a narrow-minded ass who never wants to make a positive change, but if I make changes they should be because I want them, not because my friends demand them or make me feel guilty for failing to. In my opinion, it's a friend's role to be supportive of the changes I want to make but always leave the decision to change up to me. They can offer honest advice and perspective, and occasionally argue with me if I'm being absolutely crazy-- they certainly don't have to agree with me on everything, after all-- but they must ultimately accept my right to be and think who I am. This is particularly relevant when it comes to my emotions. When it comes to a truly good friend, I need someone who accepts my emotions as legitimate and real, whatever they are or happened to be provoked by. Some of my very best friends don't always understand why I feel the way I do, but they are willing to accept that it's not changing and we have to work from there. There are in fact many people who try to tell me how to feel, and what I really need from a good friend is to not be one of them.
Not that I can't be civil to people who don't supply me with these things, but I think without them I would always have to keep them at an arm's length emotionally.
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