tabular_rasa | Writer's Block: I need my space ...

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If it seems insincere. Then I would probably assume he's buttering me up so we can get to the point (aka: sex) already. But I can usually tell if it's real, and just being quick to the punchline doesn't bother me. Frankly, I find it flattering when someone is genuinely taken with me right away. Most people seem to take a lot of time to warm up to me. If he finds something special about me to embrace right away, chances are there's something special about him, too.

Robert and I made it clear we were into each other pretty early in the game. We both took a risk; we both probably seemed way ahead of ourselves to an objective observer. But sometimes you just know when it's going to be something special.

(It's funny, because when both people feel this way, it's romantic. Yet when only one person feels it, it's creepy and obsessive. We're kind of bipolar about the rules of love, aren't we?).

As for clinginess . . . There is no way I'm going to call the kettle black. I am quite clingy. I get very attached to and affectionate with the people I love. I prefer having a partner who is similar, who enjoys verbally and physically reinforcing his feelings and spending quality time with me. I have a high threshold for clinginess, and if I need to tell him to stop being clingy, I surely need to tell myself just as much to stop encouraging it. Still, I'd rather we mutually force ourselves to go out and do our own things than feel like I'm begging him for attention and grossly inconveniencing him every time we hang out.

That said, I know the difference between "clingy" and obsessive, jealous, and abusive. If him wanting to spend lots of times with me turns into him guilt-tripping me when I don't or even forbidding me to hang out with anyone but him, then it's not really a question of telling him politely to back down-- it's a question of where I should apply for a restraining order.

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I think that creepier than too much interest too soon is too much knowledge about the person too soon. It is stalking and a major sign of a potential abuser (it happened to me). I had someone declare his feelings for me at the end of the third date- while I did not feel the same way, I was flattered and glad he told me, but he was a good person. Someone else declared them in the middle of the second outing (not even a date, it was a group outing with other friends of his) and I was not as pleased, but that's because I already knew I wanted to be just friends and he was not what I was looking for at all.

Okay, yes, knowing too much is creepy. I've had an instance of that. That is stalking, and, like obsession, has me running in the opposite direction.

But confessing a strong emotion for someone early on doesn't immediately make me think "creeper." Misguided, perhaps, and risky, definitely, but some people do know early. After all, if the other person feels the same way, it's not creepy. (Unfortunately, if they don't it can cost the other person the potential of requited love if all the object of their affection needed was more time). For the safety of one's heart and for the purpose of social appropriateness, I certainly don't recommend anyone say the Three Big Words aloud before they've even seen the other person's place, but just because you feel like you know "The One" within a couple dates doesn't make you creepy. (But I also believe that unrequited love can still be real love, and is thwarted only by circumstance. There are many who disagree with me).

Although I think "knowing too much" has to evolve a bit, with the level of personal presence people can have on the internet. Someone who just met me can know things that, before the internet, it would have taken years to learn. One of the first things I do, when I meet someone new, is google them, because I'm curious and I can. Creepiness is directly related, I think, to the effort and, to a lesser extent only because of the evolving standards, honesty, involved, rather than the actual information acquired.
I have high google-fu and I've worried about how people will interpret things before. I didn't tell my playdate mom that, upon googling her, I discovered a car accident her partner had been in, because I worried she'd be uncomfortable...and that felt awkward. Thus my desire to see this stuff evolve so that the acquiring of easily available information isn't seen as creepy because it happens to be rather personal information, if you see what I mean.

Again, I am in awe of how sensible and together you are!

I've never Googled a partner until well into the relationship (don't think I've actually Googled Robert yet O.o lol now I'm going to have to!), but I know it's becoming a general procedure. I certainly Facebook-stalk-- check out their bands and their favorite movies to try to get a feel for their tastes so I know what to bring up (since I have extremely diverse tastes) and check out a few pics to see if they reveal anything telling about their lifestyle. So I agree that knowing too much is a matter of effort. Knowing the bands I list in my lj interests in one thing, but if they knew something I've kept private from all but my closest friends, I'd be spooked.

Thank you!-- but some of my RL friends might tell you otherwise :-P I have a reputation for being a tad irrational when I'm emotional. (My best friend/college roommate Lisa says I have my own special rules of logic that make sense only to me when I'm feeling self-destructive). But I think I've gotten better about it, most dramatically in the past year or so. It's nice to know I'm doing well!

Hahaha.. Amy, you make me laugh. I have my own special rules of logic, too.

I have learned, after much exercise, to never ever act when I am feeling emotional, no matter how strongly I feel about it. Because when I come down off that emotional outburst, I'll most likely regret it, even though it made total sense at the time!

It took me a bit to realize that's what I needed to do, because I kept hearing from everyone else, "Express your emotions; express your anger. If you're upset about something, talk it out! Never go to bed angry!" UH, not me. That advice doesn't work. I need to wait until the emotional storm has passed otherwise I have my own special rules of logic. Not sure if that's what you meant.. but that's what it reminded me of. ;)

I often wonder at the line between acceptable reading and creepy. For example, when someone posts something interesting, I tend to read through all the comments.. like now. Is that creepy? Or acceptable? I imagine people wouldn't post anything too private because they know other people can read it, but at the same time, it's their response to the entry and I don't know them.

Or is it seen like a group conversation. If it happened in real life, it would be like Amy gathering a few of her friends, speaking her mind and then us responding to her. Of course we would respond to each other, too. That's natural.. and polite!

That's just an example, but I find that I often check myself, "Too much?"

I always assumed that everyone was aware that everyone (or everyone on X filter) was reading and might respond to what they wrote, never thought otherwise!

Oh man, I never thought about that. I always read through the comments lol. I'm curious to see if people responded similarly to me, or just how they responded at all! I guess I do subconsciously imagine it like Amy speaking her mind and then people responding to it (or each other) if they like, and perhaps side-conversations (like this one!) developing.

And to your entry, Amy, I think it's great that you found someone whose views on this topic match yours (after all, you have called him your male-clone before, so I shouldn't be surprised!) since that's often a point of high-concern for a lot of couples. You guys don't have to waste time thinking, "does he/she think this is *too* much?"

I'm worried that sort of matching will be hard for me, because I'm "clingy" in some ways but not others. Like I'm very affectionate emotionally, but as far as physical affection, I plan on moving slooooowwww... And I would want us to spend lots of time with each other, but I'd rather that be with going out and doing things, sharing our interests, instead of just sitting around, and if say, we are at a party or an event, I would want us both to socialize, instead of just talking to each other (because you can do that anywhere!) That and I've had bad experiences with people being one extreme or the other- either not affectionate enough and I feel awkward or way too demanding/controlling .

Randomly found this post when browsing through the Writer's Block answers, and just had to comment to say 'yes! Exactly!'. I'm in this space right now - only been seeing the man in question for a month - but already we're closer than I was with someone I'd been seeing for a year and a half. I think you can tell when it's a strong emotional bond and when it's the psycho crazy ;-)

Anyway...just wanted to comment :-)

Thanks for your comment! Sometimes it takes a while to sort out the real sparks from just the flattery and fun of being in love (say I declared love to the very first boy I had a crush on in elementary school? O.o), but I definitely think there are instances when you know.

I love your icon! XKCD rocks my socks off. As does Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. :)

Writer's Block: I need my space ...

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