Writer's Block: Raincheck!
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tabular_rasa[Error: unknown template qotd]
I'd *forgive* them (as much as the sin is mine to forgive), not just because my friend wants me to and it will make things more comfortable, but because I am of the attitude that forgiveness is ultimately for the best. This is not even necessarily for moral reasons, but simply because it frees you from the toxicity of anger and grudges. Plus, my friend may have reasons worth keeping this person around for another shot. Sometimes a mistake really is a mistake, and I refuse to accept a moral system that asks us to condemn a person who has made millions of decent decisions for one poor one.
That said, I don't forget even as I forgive. Though I would ultimately accept my friend's decision, I'd certainly encourage her to be cautious. Without compromising civility, I'd probably make it pretty clear to the partner that I did not stand for his behavior, either, and a repeat will not be accepted. But unless the issue is becomes relevant again, I'm not going to let it affect things.
I've actually been more frequently in the opposite position, able to forgive someone who's hurt one of my friends even when they can't forgive him-- especially when that person is a mutual friend, or just someone I've gotten to know through my friend (as is usually the case with a long-term romantic partner). Or simply as someone whose story I can empathize with! I know that there are two sides to every story, even if one side is being told by my friend. I have trouble just lying back and bashing the bastard for being a total scumbag when I can see his motivation. But I understand that anger and hatred is part of the grieving process, and rushing people to do it too quickly can turn them off to the idea forever-- and I know that when I'm upset, I want my friends to be on *my side,* not arguing with me when what I need is affirmation. There's a delicate process to helping a friend through grief, that begins with unconditional support and leads them to perspective and healing.
I'd *forgive* them (as much as the sin is mine to forgive), not just because my friend wants me to and it will make things more comfortable, but because I am of the attitude that forgiveness is ultimately for the best. This is not even necessarily for moral reasons, but simply because it frees you from the toxicity of anger and grudges. Plus, my friend may have reasons worth keeping this person around for another shot. Sometimes a mistake really is a mistake, and I refuse to accept a moral system that asks us to condemn a person who has made millions of decent decisions for one poor one.
That said, I don't forget even as I forgive. Though I would ultimately accept my friend's decision, I'd certainly encourage her to be cautious. Without compromising civility, I'd probably make it pretty clear to the partner that I did not stand for his behavior, either, and a repeat will not be accepted. But unless the issue is becomes relevant again, I'm not going to let it affect things.
I've actually been more frequently in the opposite position, able to forgive someone who's hurt one of my friends even when they can't forgive him-- especially when that person is a mutual friend, or just someone I've gotten to know through my friend (as is usually the case with a long-term romantic partner). Or simply as someone whose story I can empathize with! I know that there are two sides to every story, even if one side is being told by my friend. I have trouble just lying back and bashing the bastard for being a total scumbag when I can see his motivation. But I understand that anger and hatred is part of the grieving process, and rushing people to do it too quickly can turn them off to the idea forever-- and I know that when I'm upset, I want my friends to be on *my side,* not arguing with me when what I need is affirmation. There's a delicate process to helping a friend through grief, that begins with unconditional support and leads them to perspective and healing.
