Writer's Block: The one that got away
Oct. 13th, 2009 04:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I think it's unhealthy to believe in soulmates, in the sense of there being only one person destined for you. What if the person you're destined to be with was born in Mongolia and you're never going to meet them? You can't argue that fate would step in to bring you together, because that would imply that everyone does in fact end up with their soulmate-- which they clearly don't. (Unless fate is choosy about who it helps out). Mostly, though, this is unhealthy to believe because it puts so much pressure on relationships. You ultimately have less tolerance for compromise or for accepting someone imperfect (which everyone is). Soulmates would never not get along, so a little disagreement can turn into a soul-crushing tragedy that has you mowing over normally-functioning relationships left and right. It can also make you pine for lost loves, making you forget that there was in fact a reason you broke up. Or it can even make you psychotic, delusional, and a stalker, a la James Blunt's "You're Beautiful." (You saw her on a train with another man, you have no idea of her name, her age, or her personality, and yet her smiling at you means you're destined for each other???).
Instead, I believe that all people have various levels of compatibility with one another, and the goal is to mix a healthy dose of perspective, maturity, and relational skills with finding a person with whom you natural mesh. You should never worry about The One getting away, because there isn't just One. There are certainly some people in the world you can have a more kindred, intuitive connection with than others. You can find them as friends and romantic partners, and you can find several in a lifetime: you both may be capable of working on your relationship, but discover that you never really need to. You just somehow get along with limited tension.
Do I think I've met my *soulmate*? I think I've found a few kindred souls in my lifetime. For instance, I have never had an actual fight with my friend Lisa; we get along really well even though in many ways we're very different. It was pretty much understood we'd be best friends from the moment we met, too. I think Robert may also be a kindred soul. He's like my clone, with an X chromosome; we think about things so similarly and naturally know how to respond to one another, and miraculously had not so much as a skirmish living for three weeks together in a foreign apartment built for one. I felt connected with him from the get-go, too; even though we met in some very weird circumstances, we both knew we were worth pursuing.
I think it's unhealthy to believe in soulmates, in the sense of there being only one person destined for you. What if the person you're destined to be with was born in Mongolia and you're never going to meet them? You can't argue that fate would step in to bring you together, because that would imply that everyone does in fact end up with their soulmate-- which they clearly don't. (Unless fate is choosy about who it helps out). Mostly, though, this is unhealthy to believe because it puts so much pressure on relationships. You ultimately have less tolerance for compromise or for accepting someone imperfect (which everyone is). Soulmates would never not get along, so a little disagreement can turn into a soul-crushing tragedy that has you mowing over normally-functioning relationships left and right. It can also make you pine for lost loves, making you forget that there was in fact a reason you broke up. Or it can even make you psychotic, delusional, and a stalker, a la James Blunt's "You're Beautiful." (You saw her on a train with another man, you have no idea of her name, her age, or her personality, and yet her smiling at you means you're destined for each other???).
Instead, I believe that all people have various levels of compatibility with one another, and the goal is to mix a healthy dose of perspective, maturity, and relational skills with finding a person with whom you natural mesh. You should never worry about The One getting away, because there isn't just One. There are certainly some people in the world you can have a more kindred, intuitive connection with than others. You can find them as friends and romantic partners, and you can find several in a lifetime: you both may be capable of working on your relationship, but discover that you never really need to. You just somehow get along with limited tension.
Do I think I've met my *soulmate*? I think I've found a few kindred souls in my lifetime. For instance, I have never had an actual fight with my friend Lisa; we get along really well even though in many ways we're very different. It was pretty much understood we'd be best friends from the moment we met, too. I think Robert may also be a kindred soul. He's like my clone, with an X chromosome; we think about things so similarly and naturally know how to respond to one another, and miraculously had not so much as a skirmish living for three weeks together in a foreign apartment built for one. I felt connected with him from the get-go, too; even though we met in some very weird circumstances, we both knew we were worth pursuing.
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Date: 2009-10-13 10:48 pm (UTC)