Dear Alice

Alice, do you want to explain to me what was going on today? I don't really appreciate the whole editing the movie yourself thing . . . and not telling me until I was already down there (or, really, not telling me at all, and just kind of muttering and letting Robert translate), logged in, with a file open and ready, even BOTH possible cords we could use to hook up to the camera to transfer the material (for the first time I have EVER seen Mr. Valentijn be helpful and actually get them . . . and get them BOTH . . . without me asking, and then moping and groaning . . . ). I really don't appreciate that at all. You'll notice in my last entry I expressed interest in even editing the whole thing myself . . . but I DIDN'T, because it's your privelege/prerogative/right to do it, too, as a member of the group.

Have you not matured at all since 4th grade? Honest to God, you did the same thing back then. I spent several hours writing a script for our muscular-and-skeletal-system project, and you took it to "go over it"-- and it comes back the next day with a completely new script, and then you complained to Mr. Beveridge about how you did ALL the work, and you were SO put-upon, because NO one in your group helped.

Not only is it a lie, and your own fault for it being a "burden," but it's an insult to me and my work. The other members in the group are entitled to contribute, whether you like it or not. If you don't like what our inputs are, tell us, and we'll come to a compromise. We would do the same for you-- like it or not.

. . . and don't even go and give yourself a pity party about how we all hate you. I don't fucking hate you. I'm pissed at you, yes, but I've gone my entire life being pissed at you for little things and forgiving you, and never ever once ever hating you, even those times in which I had to stop being close to you for my own sanity.

It drives people away, Alice, being selfish like this. That's what it is: selfishness. You've heard the rant from Joey and your parents before, so I'm not going to dig any deeper.

. . . but, Alice, if people who are close to you are all noticing this, might you want to at least consider looking at it?

We (or at least I; I can't speak for everybody) don't tell you these things to make you mad, or to makes ourselves feel better. It is NOT spite or hate or distrust that makes me tell you this. I thought long and hard about it today, whether it would be better to confront you or just let it go. Robert lets it go, God bless him . . . and I usually do, too.

Yet the fact that you're still pulling some of the same crap you did when you were ten is a pretty sure sign there's a change needing to be made that is not BEING made.

I'm going to see you close to never as of next year. I could just "put up with you" until then. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! I want to HELP you. I want you to be able to function with other people. I care more about how you'll end up, than me, okay? I can take it. Pissed as I may be, I'll be fine . . . but I want YOU to be fine, too, okay?

. . . and I apologize for this in journal form, but you won't talk to me if I confront you, and, this way, I can get it out and HOPE you read it, even if you don't.

I LOVE you, Alice, not hate you, and that's why I want to HELP you.

Dear Alice

Alice, do you want to explain to me what was going on today? I don't really appreciate the whole editing the movie yourself thing . . . and not telling me until I was already down there (or, really, not telling me at all, and just kind of muttering and letting Robert translate), logged in, with a file open and ready, even BOTH possible cords we could use to hook up to the camera to transfer the material (for the first time I have EVER seen Mr. Valentijn be helpful and actually get them . . . and get them BOTH . . . without me asking, and then moping and groaning . . . ). I really don't appreciate that at all. You'll notice in my last entry I expressed interest in even editing the whole thing myself . . . but I DIDN'T, because it's your privelege/prerogative/right to do it, too, as a member of the group.

Have you not matured at all since 4th grade? Honest to God, you did the same thing back then. I spent several hours writing a script for our muscular-and-skeletal-system project, and you took it to "go over it"-- and it comes back the next day with a completely new script, and then you complained to Mr. Beveridge about how you did ALL the work, and you were SO put-upon, because NO one in your group helped.

Not only is it a lie, and your own fault for it being a "burden," but it's an insult to me and my work. The other members in the group are entitled to contribute, whether you like it or not. If you don't like what our inputs are, tell us, and we'll come to a compromise. We would do the same for you-- like it or not.

. . . and don't even go and give yourself a pity party about how we all hate you. I don't fucking hate you. I'm pissed at you, yes, but I've gone my entire life being pissed at you for little things and forgiving you, and never ever once ever hating you, even those times in which I had to stop being close to you for my own sanity.

It drives people away, Alice, being selfish like this. That's what it is: selfishness. You've heard the rant from Joey and your parents before, so I'm not going to dig any deeper.

. . . but, Alice, if people who are close to you are all noticing this, might you want to at least consider looking at it?

We (or at least I; I can't speak for everybody) don't tell you these things to make you mad, or to makes ourselves feel better. It is NOT spite or hate or distrust that makes me tell you this. I thought long and hard about it today, whether it would be better to confront you or just let it go. Robert lets it go, God bless him . . . and I usually do, too.

Yet the fact that you're still pulling some of the same crap you did when you were ten is a pretty sure sign there's a change needing to be made that is not BEING made.

I'm going to see you close to never as of next year. I could just "put up with you" until then. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! I want to HELP you. I want you to be able to function with other people. I care more about how you'll end up, than me, okay? I can take it. Pissed as I may be, I'll be fine . . . but I want YOU to be fine, too, okay?

. . . and I apologize for this in journal form, but you won't talk to me if I confront you, and, this way, I can get it out and HOPE you read it, even if you don't.

I LOVE you, Alice, not hate you, and that's why I want to HELP you.

Bitterness and Pessimism

So I'm still kind of irked.

It doesn't help that I just already WROTE an entry, complete with survey, and it got deleted, including the survey. I don't feel like doing it over again.

It's not hypocrisy. Complaing about something you don't want to do, wishing it another way, and yet still doing it is not hypocrisy. It's called doing something and not liking it. If we only did the things we liked for fear of being hypocrites, we'd be a very fucked-up society.

. . or maybe I'm just justifying things, like Eveline does.

Hmm. I think my Eveline analogy proves true.

I'm really kind of generally pissed at the world right now. There's the obvious, and then Nichole's not really doing any better than she was on Saturday, in fact, she wanted to be knocked out as Kristina and I were leaving today, and her chest tube was in the wrong place and made her in pain all last night. Tiffany never called me back, Erin got off line before I really said much . . . shoot, even the people in my RP community aren't even on . . . and I just have no one to talk to, except wait for Alice to respond to my last comment, since we're talking through livejournal comments instead of IMs even though we're both on, but, go figure.

Is God trying to piss me off at everyone I know in turn so that the separation is easier? It's really following a pattern, now . . .

Alice, you have successfully made me cry.

Here's to hoping June is better . . .

Pssh. Like hoping EVER makes anything come true. It won't. It will suck. It will suck, and I know it.

Bitterness and Pessimism

So I'm still kind of irked.

It doesn't help that I just already WROTE an entry, complete with survey, and it got deleted, including the survey. I don't feel like doing it over again.

It's not hypocrisy. Complaing about something you don't want to do, wishing it another way, and yet still doing it is not hypocrisy. It's called doing something and not liking it. If we only did the things we liked for fear of being hypocrites, we'd be a very fucked-up society.

. . or maybe I'm just justifying things, like Eveline does.

Hmm. I think my Eveline analogy proves true.

I'm really kind of generally pissed at the world right now. There's the obvious, and then Nichole's not really doing any better than she was on Saturday, in fact, she wanted to be knocked out as Kristina and I were leaving today, and her chest tube was in the wrong place and made her in pain all last night. Tiffany never called me back, Erin got off line before I really said much . . . shoot, even the people in my RP community aren't even on . . . and I just have no one to talk to, except wait for Alice to respond to my last comment, since we're talking through livejournal comments instead of IMs even though we're both on, but, go figure.

Is God trying to piss me off at everyone I know in turn so that the separation is easier? It's really following a pattern, now . . .

Alice, you have successfully made me cry.

Here's to hoping June is better . . .

Pssh. Like hoping EVER makes anything come true. It won't. It will suck. It will suck, and I know it.

Amy is Sick of Being Samantha . . . or a Lack Thereof

I am running out of angsty Evanescene songs to use in these entries. They all seem to fit, so well.

I can't decide what to do about this until tomorrow. I've got too many sides speaking to me at once.

Mom and Dad: Amy should break off and do her own project, so Amy gets a good grade, and wins own over Alice who has been doing this to her for years.

Tory: Amy should give in to Alice, who is "too fragile" to be put through this.

Tiffany: (I don't know what she thinks, seeing as how she never called me, but I suspect) Amy should make her own movie, to spite Alice, because Tiffany wants to see Amy grow a backbone.

Robert: Amy should give in to Alice, who can work through it less easily than Amy can, which also keeps Amy's morals of self-sacrifice in the face of mutual suffering, laying it all on her and saving the other, intact.

Alice: Amy can do whatever, but Alice is going to prefer her video and feel burdened either way.

Julia, Erin, and Jamie just listened, even if briefly, which was nice of them. Jessica left a sympathetic comment, also greatly appreciated.

As for Amy?

Amy has a mature side, the side she's been using for a while now, that has a philosophy of self-sacrifice, that wants to give in so that Alice doesn't suffer. Amy will take on all the suffering by letting Alice have her way, and Amy can take it, probably better than Alice can.

Yet Amy has a little girl side (I feel almost like I have multiple personalities disorder, like Sybil in that "Sybil" movie we watching in Psychology today, lol . . . I could name her "Samantha" and forget she exists until I wake up as her, and, hey, there we go . . . ) that still hurts from the way she felt with Alice (her "Molly") over years and years. Samantha has gotten sick of having to give in to Molly. It's not really giving in, either; it's Molly needing everything, and needing everything a certain way, and Samantha having to allow it, so that Molly doesn't suffer. Samantha can suffer; she's learned how to take it. She's gotten strong, somehow. Maybe it even has something to do with Molly. Yet Samantha never thought of herself as the strong one. She's the little one, the weak one, the submissive one. She always wanted to be that way, be the susceptible one, the fragile one, the one that needs saving. No one ever saved her, so she learned to save herself . . . and then others . . . and so Samantha never got to be the victim. Samantha grew into Amy. Yet she still can't forget.

For all you high-and-mighty objective observers, you can't leave the past out the argument. That's the most fucked-up "rule" for fighting I've ever heard. Dear Abby can kiss my ass. The past always comes into play. The past is what makes people who they are.

God, I'm either absolutely insane, or I'm a complete and utter overdramatic angsty teenager.

Being insane is actually sounding pretty good right now. I could just let go . . . and someone else would have to save me for once.

Amy is Sick of Being Samantha . . . or a Lack Thereof

I am running out of angsty Evanescene songs to use in these entries. They all seem to fit, so well.

I can't decide what to do about this until tomorrow. I've got too many sides speaking to me at once.

Mom and Dad: Amy should break off and do her own project, so Amy gets a good grade, and wins own over Alice who has been doing this to her for years.

Tory: Amy should give in to Alice, who is "too fragile" to be put through this.

Tiffany: (I don't know what she thinks, seeing as how she never called me, but I suspect) Amy should make her own movie, to spite Alice, because Tiffany wants to see Amy grow a backbone.

Robert: Amy should give in to Alice, who can work through it less easily than Amy can, which also keeps Amy's morals of self-sacrifice in the face of mutual suffering, laying it all on her and saving the other, intact.

Alice: Amy can do whatever, but Alice is going to prefer her video and feel burdened either way.

Julia, Erin, and Jamie just listened, even if briefly, which was nice of them. Jessica left a sympathetic comment, also greatly appreciated.

As for Amy?

Amy has a mature side, the side she's been using for a while now, that has a philosophy of self-sacrifice, that wants to give in so that Alice doesn't suffer. Amy will take on all the suffering by letting Alice have her way, and Amy can take it, probably better than Alice can.

Yet Amy has a little girl side (I feel almost like I have multiple personalities disorder, like Sybil in that "Sybil" movie we watching in Psychology today, lol . . . I could name her "Samantha" and forget she exists until I wake up as her, and, hey, there we go . . . ) that still hurts from the way she felt with Alice (her "Molly") over years and years. Samantha has gotten sick of having to give in to Molly. It's not really giving in, either; it's Molly needing everything, and needing everything a certain way, and Samantha having to allow it, so that Molly doesn't suffer. Samantha can suffer; she's learned how to take it. She's gotten strong, somehow. Maybe it even has something to do with Molly. Yet Samantha never thought of herself as the strong one. She's the little one, the weak one, the submissive one. She always wanted to be that way, be the susceptible one, the fragile one, the one that needs saving. No one ever saved her, so she learned to save herself . . . and then others . . . and so Samantha never got to be the victim. Samantha grew into Amy. Yet she still can't forget.

For all you high-and-mighty objective observers, you can't leave the past out the argument. That's the most fucked-up "rule" for fighting I've ever heard. Dear Abby can kiss my ass. The past always comes into play. The past is what makes people who they are.

God, I'm either absolutely insane, or I'm a complete and utter overdramatic angsty teenager.

Being insane is actually sounding pretty good right now. I could just let go . . . and someone else would have to save me for once.