Making Sense Of Myself To Myself
Feb. 2nd, 2006 12:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tabular_rasaI have come to the conclusion that:
I talk too much, so much that I drown out everybody around me, and then I get upset when people don't tell me as much about themselves as I tell them about me.
I'm fucked up.
I think I need to keep up with the livejournal more. It is here where I can rant as much as I want, and nobody can get annoyed. Hence, I drive no one away . . .
So, here I go:
I think I do have weird baggage that makes me attention-seek. Huh. Particularly since I don't typically think of myself as an attention-seeking person (I like being alone; being around people too much makes me physically and emotionally drained-- and I used to never really want that-- just some attention, not all of it)-- but I obviously am.
*Psychoanalyzes self.* I felt ignored repeatedly as a child/youth in social situations. Hence, now I try to get everybody's attention, oftentimes (but usually not, thankfully) in negative ways. The obnoxiousness level is a function of how many people are in the room competing for attention-- and may very well couple-in with the discomfort usually felt when with large groups of people (ie: if I'm the center of attention, I have some control over the situation; I can force it so that it never gets uncomfortable for me, or something . . . ). Ironically, this just forces people away (which leads me sadly to wonder why people were driven away before I became an attention-seeking personality . . . ), so it's a vicious cycle.
. . . and then I'm just clingy. We always knew that, all along. That has its reasons, though, too; I'm just naturally affectionate, and when people leave me, I cling harder to the next person to try and prevent the same thing from happening. I take being left out of anything as a personal offense and immediately assume they're now on the way out of being my friend. At the same time, I suspect that I get colder, and move on quickly; ie, leaving behind people at home seems to have been less of a problem for me than for other people-- though I still dearly love them all, and begin where I left off when we meet again (so,hopefully thankfully, I'm not Borderline, or something)-- but this seems counter to my natural state. All of this-- my weird jumping to conclusions, my bizarre reactions-- logically sounds so stupid, when I write it out, but I know I do this, in my emotions, and I can't really control this.
*Sighs deep breath.* Ahh, that felt good. I haven't done that in a while. The catharsis of the livejournal.
Ha, I make sense to myself!
Alright, carry on . . . ^_^
PS: Poll of all guys: When I feel sick of wearing pants, I just wear skirts. Does this ever happen to guys, and what do they do about it? I heard one opinion already :-P does anyone else have one? Lol . . .
I talk too much, so much that I drown out everybody around me, and then I get upset when people don't tell me as much about themselves as I tell them about me.
I'm fucked up.
I think I need to keep up with the livejournal more. It is here where I can rant as much as I want, and nobody can get annoyed. Hence, I drive no one away . . .
So, here I go:
I think I do have weird baggage that makes me attention-seek. Huh. Particularly since I don't typically think of myself as an attention-seeking person (I like being alone; being around people too much makes me physically and emotionally drained-- and I used to never really want that-- just some attention, not all of it)-- but I obviously am.
*Psychoanalyzes self.* I felt ignored repeatedly as a child/youth in social situations. Hence, now I try to get everybody's attention, oftentimes (but usually not, thankfully) in negative ways. The obnoxiousness level is a function of how many people are in the room competing for attention-- and may very well couple-in with the discomfort usually felt when with large groups of people (ie: if I'm the center of attention, I have some control over the situation; I can force it so that it never gets uncomfortable for me, or something . . . ). Ironically, this just forces people away (which leads me sadly to wonder why people were driven away before I became an attention-seeking personality . . . ), so it's a vicious cycle.
. . . and then I'm just clingy. We always knew that, all along. That has its reasons, though, too; I'm just naturally affectionate, and when people leave me, I cling harder to the next person to try and prevent the same thing from happening. I take being left out of anything as a personal offense and immediately assume they're now on the way out of being my friend. At the same time, I suspect that I get colder, and move on quickly; ie, leaving behind people at home seems to have been less of a problem for me than for other people-- though I still dearly love them all, and begin where I left off when we meet again (so,
*Sighs deep breath.* Ahh, that felt good. I haven't done that in a while. The catharsis of the livejournal.
Ha, I make sense to myself!
Alright, carry on . . . ^_^
PS: Poll of all guys: When I feel sick of wearing pants, I just wear skirts. Does this ever happen to guys, and what do they do about it? I heard one opinion already :-P does anyone else have one? Lol . . .
