tabular_rasa | Thoughts and Unsettlingnesses (Reply)

The little survey is still open . . .

Someone left a comment in Alice's journal that made me feel bad. I know it's just the way people make friends feel better, ragging on the person who is most easily blamed for the friend's problems, but it's not very helpful, you know? Particularly in this case, really, too . . .

I don't know. I just don't believe in villians or blaming people. Blame can only be laid in events and circumstances beyond our control. We can only control ourselves, really.

It's just that sometimes relationships don't work out. People can't exist that way together anymore. It's usually not the fault of one the people. Yes, sometimes it is, people get used or abused . . . but at least with Alice and Joey, it's not anyone's fault, as far as I can tell.

Then again, pssh, I can't tell much. All I can see from what I do is that the intentions were fine, and nothing could be helped.

It's odd; I sort of got thrust into the thing a little oddly, seeing as how I haven't really talked to Joey since I was about five, and then he was at my table in English and now sits behind me in Creative Writing, and as for Alice, after elementary school we sort of drifted apart and haven't talked seriously much since then, at least not about our social issues. We conversed, certainly, but I never really knew how she was feeling about who. I think I understand her a little more now; the journaling and the fact that she's in more of my classes and lunch helps. At the same time, I've gotten closer to Robert, which is wonderful, too.

Well, I guess love is blind. Maybe I just don't see faults of people when I like them ("A friend would never see such faults!" -Julius Caesar). Maybe I just don't see faults, period. Maybe I'm being condemned to severe disillusionment when I become older and trust people too much.

I'm growing rather fond of Joey (I guess one could consider me a friend, and I'm not faking, whoever-you-are person; I don't do that); though he can be so negative about people and STILL doesn't ever shut up and let me talk ("JOEY!!! IT'S MY TURN!!! LET ME SAY SOMETHING!!!"), lol, he's really very sensitive and intelligent. I was impressed with a lot of his poetry; he's a very Romantic type (like Poe, lol)-- well, those that weren't his pseudo ee cummings mockery . . . lol . . . He does care, a lot, even if he likes to pretend he wishes the whole world would die, lol, and I empathize with his OCD quirks and his inability to choose battles-- which seems to be giving him a lot of trouble right now. He can't let it go . . . and I know, if I were in position, I wouldn't be able to, either.

I've always loved Alice, too, even when she hasn't liked me. I probably was annoying as hell, but, well, that's me when I'm friends with someone. Mom commends my friends with words like, "They've been very good at tolerating you for a long time." This makes me rather sad, obviously, but in a time when it seems like people (aka her parents) seem to think they can barely tolerate Alice, she can know that I'm always there for her to be the one in charge of who's tolerating, lol ^_^

Speaking of which, maybe it was my imagination, but I think there was something cold and sharp in Mrs. Corey's eyes when I talked to her last night. She paused a lot in the conversation and sucked in deep breaths and didn't laugh in between everything like she always used to do. This really deeply saddens me. She's given up on Alice, it seems, and she doesn't seem to even like me anymore.

Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I hope so. Then again, I'd hope everything she's said to Alice was misinterpreted . . . but if it was, you'd think she'd have remedied it by now.

I don't know why I keep talking about this.

Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out Joey had actually written that for some random reason? I'd feel dumb.

One of these days I am going to piss someone off, talking about them. Either that or I'm going to be arrested for writing Saddam/Bush/Osama slash.

The Debate meet was cancelled, of course. Of course; I write my cases, and it gets cancelled. I sound like a Nazi in one of them.

I'm waiting for two people to return my calls/get back to me on something. I used the phone TWICE today. TWICE. I actually called, too; they didn't just call me. Congratulate me!

Great. My mom keeps walking in here and I keep dropping the screen down so she doesn't look because she does try to, and she lies when she says she doesn't. So then I tell her this and she goes, "I'm not reading it! It must mean you've got something to hide! It really irritates me and your father! If you keep doing it, we'll send you up to your room and take your door off your hinges like Alice's parents!"

How fitting with my entry. It appears the Mother Hotline is alive and well.